I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
