I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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