My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
