i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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