I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
