i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
