ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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