dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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