oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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