so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
