whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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