I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
