It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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