this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
