im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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