The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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