Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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