The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
