I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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