Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
