Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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