I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
