"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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