my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
