the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
