You can't special order awesome
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
