Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
