So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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