My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's rum buckets o'clock
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