literally had 100 drinks last night.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
