It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
