I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
