If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
