OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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