She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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