so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
