everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
