Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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