You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
