the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I came so hard my ears popped.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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