Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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