i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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