If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
