the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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