Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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