I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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