once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
