also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
