i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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