Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
