i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
