Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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