I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
