I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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