Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
