While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
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all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize