i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
