i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
