he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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