I faked an abortion last night.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
