I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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