I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
