ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
